Apparently, living in the sticks as I do (15 minutes out of town – I know, I’m so isolated) means that I’m not deserving of a decent internet connection. Hence the lack of posts in the last few days, and the lack of music included in this particular post. You would think that while I’m cursing Telstra with the fire of a thousand suns, that I would be dejected and depressed. But oh no. I deal with these setbacks in a variety of well-balanced ways.

Angelic patience Breathing deeply, I write posts and read emails and wait for pages to load with the quiet calmness of Mother Theresa, or Katie Holmes, or other personage with similar, saint-like qualities.

Gritty never-say-die attitude Setting my jaw, I press on with the guts and determination of Dale Thomas, or Cameron Ling, or other personage with similar purposeful action and scarecrow hair.

Infinite despair Wiping my eyes, I continue to refresh the page, with the tears and sadness of a wailing baby or a sobbing fan, or other personage with a webcam and peroxide and a fanatical defence of head-shaven institutional custody battlers.

Slight annoyance Clicking my tongue in frustration, I heave and sigh with the patience of an actress high on the drugs of her own importance, or other personage with similar irritated but tolerant acceptance.

Insane optimism With a bright yet strained smile, I gently cajole and plead and promise, like a young mother with more food in her hair than in the mouth of her child, or a Bombers supporter, or other personage with similar false hope and impossible dreams.

Childish pettiness Making faces at the monitor, I imitate the error messages in a high pitched mocking tone, in the manner of a five year old, or six year old, or other personage with similar levels of self-control and maturity.

Intense rage Pounding my fists on the keyboard and repeatedly jamming alternate fingers in a nearby electrical socket, I spit the filthiest words I know, my throat choking on repressed anger and bitter despair, in the manner of an underworld figure or an Osborne or other personage with similar well-adjusted conduct.

Please join me in sending all of your bad vibes in the direction of Telstra, or your internet provider of choice. Together, we can(‘t) make a difference.